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Oh Beard!

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Sep. 14th, 2007 | 02:34 pm

Ok you guys.  Let's get serious.

i know some people have questioned my own choice in facial hairstyle, and that's fine. Let's just say i do it for the ladies.

That is, i do it for my fiance (who happens to be a lady), who likes me beardy (BUT NOT TOO BEARDY).  Plus i feel like a mountain man if i have a beard.  And also like Abraham Lincoln, who is awesome.

I just wanted to say a few things regarding facial hair, so here we go

We'll start with one that has become increasingly popular in the indy, non-showering scene:

The Pornostache.

This, gentlemen, is not attractive. Yes, i know you think you're being ironic, and you'll say things like, "i know it's ugly, and that's why i wear it," but you don't look simply ugly.  You look like a douchebag.  Stop it.  Try this:

The Huge Fullbeard.

If you're an indy kid that wants to look ironic, forget the seventies. Try the 1800's! 

This thing is awesome.  i envy anyone who has the nards to grow one, and it would take a solid pair to have the simple headstrong perseverance to cultivate something like this.  If you're wearing a Huge Fullbeard, you should definitely pat yourself on the back, and while your hands are out, you should check it for deposits of food or bird's nests. That thing is like flypaper for food and bird's nests.

Next up:

The Hitlerstache:

If you're wearing this, i simply don't know how i feel about you.  It certainly couldn't be a following-the-flock sort of thing, because i haven't seen anyone wearing something like this except for some old dude at Wal-Mart who obviously didn't know what he was doing with his facial-fur.  Maybe you're that dude, or maybe you're simply the ultimate intentional outcast, further ostracising yourself.  In that case, i may be feeling something like respect for you.

And now:

The Goatee and Moustache, or as i like to call it, the Goat'n'Stache.  If your maw is adorned with this little beauty, there is only one thing you can say, "i was not popular in high school... and i was probably fat."

Moving on:

The Burns and Stache.

i think i hate you if this is your facial hair, unless your burns and your stache are connected. Then you're awesome.


The Chops'N'Goat'N'Stache

i honestly have no idea what you're thinking if you're wearing this.  You might be thinking, "Did I just beat muh dowg or muh farstborn? Aww who cares. Gawd'll fergive me."

And my personal choice:

The Chinstrap

If you're sporting this fine look, then you look leisurely and gentleman-like.  You also may be Amish, so stop using a computer, hypocrite!

And last, but certainly not least:

The Long'N'Curly Stache.

If you can actually get your moustache to do that, i will give you a dollar and all my love.  You are absolutely incredible.  The only reason people don't have this thing around anymore is because the technology to pull off this marvelous work of facial-sculpting has somehow been lost in the annals of history.  i pray we somehow get it back.

Now, i know you're thinking that there are many, many more options, but if i get caught drawing more facial masterpieces on MSPaint at work, i'll surely get put in the stocks.  Have a lovely day.

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Comments {5}

weetzie bat

(no subject)

from: jemperly
date: Sep. 17th, 2007 03:53 am (UTC)

Have I introduced you to my new boyfriend?

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(no subject)

from: iamsquink
date: Sep. 18th, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)

You haven't, but i certainly dig his facial hair!

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(no subject)

from: iamsquink
date: Sep. 18th, 2007 04:18 pm (UTC)

That is, because it's not a pornostache. It's an old-time stache, and i like it.

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